Ronald Reagan once wryly wondered what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
What of Buzzfeed’s 55 Commandments of living in London?
Never mind the US Congress, even the British House of Commons would find it hard to muck around with them, they speaketh such truth.
Thou shalt not expect to be able to go anywhere on the weekend thanks to TfL (that’s Transport for London for the uninitiated).
Thou shalt not talk to a stranger unless absolutely necessary.
Or it’s companion Commandment, way down the list, is #46: Thou shalt never make eye contact on the tube.
The full list is below, for the edification of those who love London – and those willing to have a laugh at its expense.
BUZZFEED: THE 55 COMMANDMENTS OF LIVING IN LONDON
1. Thou shalt move down the carriage.
2. Thou shalt not get onto a tube until you have let everyone get off. Fuckwit.
3. Thou shalt not eat fried chicken on public transport before 11pm.
4. Thou shalt not make someone feel guilty for visiting a Chicken Cottage.
5. Honour thy neighbour by not playing music loudly on a weeknight.
6. Same goes for having sex.
7. Thou shalt endeavour to visit your friends even if they live south of the river.
8. Thou shalt be nice to hungover colleagues, because you’ll reap what you sow.
9. Thou shalt not worship the Northern line.
10. Thou shalt not get a pet if your contract says you can’t (unless it’s really cute).
11. Honour thy cyclists if you’re driving.
12. Honour thy pedestrians if you’re cycling.
13. Thou shalt try not to fall asleep on someone’s shoulder on the bus.
14. Or tube.
15. Thou shalt, UNDER NO FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES, listen to music on your phone without headphones.
16. Thou shalt not go for a run along the Southbank and get pissy when it’s full of people.
17. Thou shalt not believe someone who says they are coming to the pub “just for one”.
18. Thou shalt not feed the pigeons if you are near people who don’t want to be shat on.
19. Thou shalt not be surprised when you get run over when taking a photo on the Abbey Road zebra crossing.
20. Thou shalt never go to Infernos.
21. Thou shalt not talk to a stranger unless absolutely necessary.
22. Honour thy father and thy mother so that when they come to visit they’ll take you out for dinner.
23. Thou shalt not work past 4pm on a Friday.
24. Thou shalt not take the name of the DLR in vain.
25. Thou shalt not expect to be able to go anywhere on the weekend thanks to TfL.
26. Thou shalt not take an entire class of school children on the tube during rush hour.
27. Thou shalt not organise “secret” outdoor screenings of BTTF and have to cancel the entire first week.
28. Thou shalt never suggest meeting friends in Leicester Square, because fuck that shit.
29. Thou shalt not moan about house prices as if it’s surprising. We’re all screwed. We get it.
30. Thou shalt not sneak through when someone else has tapped their Oyster, you thieving bastard.
31. Thou shalt not queue for more than half an hour for dinner, even if it IS the “next big thing”.
32. Thou shalt not go to an e-cigarette themed cafe.
33. Seriously, just don’t.
34. Though shalt not walk across Waterloo Bridge without Instagramming the shit out of that view.
35. Thou shalt leave London once a month to chill the fuck out for a bit.
36. But thou shalt defend it to the hilt when any out-of-towners try to sully its name.
37. Thou shalt not pretend to be asleep so that you don’t have to give up your seat to a pregnant woman.
38. Thou shalt not decline a happy hour.
39. Thou shalt ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS laugh at “Cockfosters”.
40. Same goes for “Mudchute”.
41. LOL, Mudchute.
42. Thou shalt not use a “quirky” email signature.
43. Thou shalt not discuss the Bake Off result on the tube, spoiling it for anyone who wants to catch up on iPlayer.
44. Thou shalt not miss an opportunity to use the word “cockwomble”.
45. Thou shalt not get the tube to travel between Leicester Square and Covent Garden.
46. Thou shalt never make eye contact on the tube.
47. Thou shalt refuse to pay more than a fiver for a beer.
48. Thou shalt not pass out and end up in Morden.
49. Thou shalt fall in love on the tube 17 times a day.
50. Thou shalt STAND ON THE FUCKING RIGHT.
51. Thou shalt never take Boris Johnson’s name in vain. LOL jk.
52. Thou shalt not right swipe thy housemate’s ex.
53. Thou shalt not go to Oxford Street on a Saturday.
54. Thou shalt not go to Westfield on any day.
55. Thou shalt try to convince your friends from home to move to London because everyone should.